I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
