I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
