At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
