Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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