my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
