thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
