I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
