You just made me feel so damn special
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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