I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
