I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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