in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
