He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just had sex on a roof
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
