Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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