I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
