Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
