I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
