my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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