I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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