i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
