My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
