your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
