if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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