the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
