Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do you remember whose house we're in?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
