I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
