When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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