I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
