it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
