my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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