I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
