I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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