Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
