well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
