I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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