my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
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I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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