my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
