Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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