1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
