The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
