i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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