WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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