If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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