News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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