It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
