Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm passing your future prison.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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