What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He felt like a one man threesome
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
