my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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