btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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