well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
