Just fell off a train. Bad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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