This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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