I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
