she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
