I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
