My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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