I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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