I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
