Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
